INSTRUCTIONS

(1)Click on one of the labels on the left side bar (these are the letters).
(2)Then click the comments link under that letter.
(3)You will then see all the comments which are the replies to the letters.
(4)Look at the last comment and reply to it.

Many thanks for your help and feel free to circulate around the world.


Dear Jamestown-Yorktown Foundation- Virginia, USA

Dear Jamestown-Yorktown Foundation


Thank you for your leaflet about the Jamestown settlement and Yorktown Victory Centre, it looks like an exciting day, especially if you’re into that branch of history. The ‘climbing around replicas of colonial ships’ sound particularly adventurous. Unfortunately, my time is quite busy at the moment with it being my final year of my Masters and also my funds don’t look great for such a trip.I have enclosed some information about day trips in my town of Nottingham if you ever get the chance to visit.


Yours Faithfully,

Diana

Posted by

5 comments:

  1. sibyll9 February 2010 at 15:47

    if i-d be close i would of course enjoy to climb around those replicas, though actually, i-d prefer the real ships and to travel the oceans,
    kind regards and dear greetings to you, diana!
    sibyll

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous12 February 2010 at 10:52

    Dear Sibyll,

    Diana has kindly passed me your details. I am interested in visiting the Yorktown Victory Centre to climb around your replica ships but I just wanted to check with you that the experience includes replica scents of the old colony. I am keen to get the full living history Yorktown Victory experience and am concerned that the trip would be incomplete without authentic smells associated with colonial dysentry, body odour and dodgy dentistry. Can you reassure me so that I may book my voyage before my Daily Mail discount flight voucher expires?

    Yours sincerely
    Rachael Griffiths
    rachaellgriffiths@googlemail.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous15 February 2010 at 05:29

    May 14th, 1607

    Dearest Dr. Griffin Raphael,

    Well powder my Wig with Buffalo Shit, a Dentist eh? We had a Blacksmith once, till we drowned the Bugger for molesting the Cows and practicing Witchcraft.

    Rub my Gums with a bloody Rag! We don’t need your Rose-Breath stinking Claptrap poisoning our Souls. What, do you think you’re better than us, with your Half-a-Head of girlish Teeth, grinning toothily?

    Fangs! Devil-Woman! Cast thy evil Elephant stench, back above the Ocean, lest we clip your false Wings of apostate Hygiene, your Floss and Paste, oh wither, you Albatross! Drunk, on lime-green Listerine, screaming strange sub-urban Tongues, preaching Hate. Our Teeth may be mouldy, but our Minds are pure!

    Flying scurvies the Skies and scalps the Air we breath for Man dost not hath Wings any more than Moles have Gills or Fish Lungs. Would we let you on our Boat so you should mock us?

    The Masthead would rot with your toothless words, the Hull by now be but a dank Cavity of Decay, filling fatally with the Crocodile Tears of drowning Wraiths held in mortal Bondage by your Heathen Philosophy.

    Madam, Our Lady of Prompt Succor will surely vanquish these toothy Harlots from our Midst, so it will not be profitable for you to stay amongst the Colonies.

    I fear it will take more than these dyspeptic Farts to discourage you. But be reassured, we are ready for your dodgy Dentistry.

    Safe Travails,

    Rompy Pompeii
    Chief Medical Counsel of Jamestown
    Colony of Virginia

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous15 February 2010 at 10:57

    Dear Ms Raphael

    I apologise for correspondence bearing the watermark of the Jamestown Psychiatric Correctional Facility For The Criminally Insane. Please disregard this letter. It constitutes no such official business of the medical staff at the institute. Nor is it a clerical error.

    Dr Rupert Pupkin transferred to us from the State Hospital at Salem, Oregon & has difficulties adjusting. He’s never stepped foot on a boat & nor has he a medical license to practice in the State of Virginia. To my knowledge, he failed the bar examination & is not qualified to offer legal advice. He holds no position at Customs & Immigration that entitles him to speak for the bookings department of Atlantic Airlines. He is not an ordained rabbi. Mr Pupkin may possess a cursory understanding of dental hygiene – or his lack thereof - but don’t take his views to heart. They hold no traction with human resources & will not prejudice your interest in working on the prison ship as a dental nurse.

    Mr Pupkin fancies himself a stand-up comedian, which is where our troubles began. At 07:30 EST on Monday, Rupert bit the tethers of his straitjacket & escaped to the stationary cabinet. He was found, not long later, scribbling frantically & furiously with a green fountain pen, reciting imaginary conversations between Woody Allen & Lenny Bruce, inhaling helium balloons & making shadow puppets on the ship’s deck – I think a rabbit & a mole, but maybe a squirrel & a badger. Rupert’s letters to Fatty Arbuckle, Megan Fox, Rush Limbaugh & Seabiscuit were not sent, but some of his handiwork did make it to the franking machine, which we are investigating, as it has been rigged to explode with custard pies.

    Sadly, in the process of subduing him, an orderly punctured Rupert’s clavichord with that favoured green fountain pen, causing him to topple off the bow of the ship into shark infested water, where he almost died in icy unforgiving shock - the Atlantic Ocean is different to Rupert's twice-daily electro-therapy, which does him no harm at all!

    Rupert is currently missing, presumed dead, but we think the sharks got him. Without an emergency tracheotomy, or somebody well versed in the rudiments of mending baroque European stringed instruments & removing those difficult green ink stains, he won’t get far. But avoid wandering minstrels dressed in clown paint for a few days, if you're jumpy about these things.

    I can assure you the quality of medical provision has improved beyond recognition in the State of Virginia since 1607, & in the unlikely event Rupert survived his stay with us, he will be of no harm whatsoever to himself or the community at large.

    Life is fulfilling on the prison ship. On Wednesdays Mildred runs a crocheting club that’s the highlight of the week. Once a month we get fresh vegetables for the broth – beetroots, turnips, broccoli, sprouts, every culinary treat you could imagine – & twice last year the crew went ashore to sample the finest brothels the Chesapeake has to offer.

    Our last audit showed the staff’s well being is only a shade below adequate, & the event today is the last in an isolated string of unconnected incidents, since the installation of new security software at New Year. Please don’t be put off attending the interview panel this month, well within the expiry date of your vouchers, I’m sure. The ship’s helicopter pad is in working order now repairs are complete after the accident, so your transfer to the prison will be a safe one. We run a tight ship – no one has quit in 30 years!

    We have our own crematorium, so not a month goes by when we don't bid farewell to an old friend, scattering their ashes at sea. There's not a dry eye at night, when the sound of ghostly sobbing echoes down the halls. You’ll find the admissions process less than rigorous, so no need to worry about return flights!

    Regards

    Captain R. P. McMurphy, PhD

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous15 February 2010 at 11:33

    Dear Mr Pupkin

    I am happy to fulfil your order. Please find enclosed two pairs of clown shoes, a water-shooting flower, ten sticks of dynamite, and a pet bunny rabbit.

    Compliments,

    Wile E Coyote
    ACME Corporation

    ReplyDelete

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